Hiding From The World
by Anastasia-Beaverhausen
Summary: Sheelagh left Patrick for Des. Des told her about the fire. They broke up. Des didn't crash the area car into the building. So how did things work out?
1. Hiding From The World

Sheelagh had been to hell and back, how she'd got through it was nothing short of a miracle. Patrick had left her, her beautiful baby girl had died and although they tried, her children and work colleagues found it hard to know what to say to her anymore. She was full of pain, more pain than anyone was truly able to imagine.  
  
She sat alone in the sergeants office, hiding behind the mountain of paperwork piled on her desk, it was a barrier between herself and the world, it was a reason, and excuse to not do things. It was probably wrong, how was anyone supposed to get to know her, how was she supposed to pour her problems out to anyone if she wouldn't even socialise with them.   
  
The paperwork wasn't that urgent, it could wait. She didn't want it to wait, it was surprising there was so much of it left really, the amount of time she spent with it. The truth of it was, she sat there, away from everything, protected, as though they were sandbags and she was living in an air raid. That was how she felt sometimes, she'd just be picking herself back up from the last blow and then another bomb would drop.  
  
The office door creaked open, Sheelagh didn't look up, she didn't really care who it was or what they wanted. The figure walked over and sat down on the opposite side of her desk. She still didn't look up.  
  
"Sheelagh?" Des said quietly  
  
"What?" She snapped  
  
"Talk to me"  
  
"There's nothing to say Des"  
  
She still didn't take her eyes off her paperwork. She made it quite clear she didn't want him around her. Des didn't know what he was supposed to do, he tried to talk to her, after all he was hurting too, so he knew how she felt.  
  
"Sheelagh, please, I…"  
  
" Des, unless it's work related, please leave"  
  
"Shee, pl.."  
  
"Des! Just go"  
  
He stood up and walked to the door, pausing for a moment to look at her, she was so pale and fragile, he wanted nothing more than to hold her, kiss her, and tell her everything was going to be alright. But he couldn't, he couldn't because she wouldn't let him, he couldn't because he didn't know everything would be alright.  
  
After they'd broken up, Sheelagh had become very quiet and introvert. There wasn't much that made her smile, and nothing held any interest for her anymore. She didn't want to come to work each day, she'd rather just stay in bed and sleep, but even though that was how she felt, it wasn't her, it was her nature to keep busy, she knew that moping around feeling sorry for herself would solve nothing.  
  
Seeing Des everyday made it worse, every time she saw him she saw Niamh, it made the pain all the more real. She could get a transfer, she'd thought about it enough that was for sure. All of her emotions seemed to contradict each other, she wouldn't leave because she didn't want Des out of her life. For all it hurt, he reminded her what real love felt like, how sweet and intoxicating , totally exhilarating it was. She would never admit it to anyone, but Des was the only one keeping her going. Her kids still needed her, she knew that, but being needed wasn't the same as being wanted. They blamed her for the divorce, rightly so, it had been her fault. But at the end of the day, she was still their mother.   
  
Des loved her desperately, there wasn't a moment went by that he wasn't thinking of her and how to make it right between them. He put his heart on the line every time he spoke to her. Time and time again she shattered it, but the memories repaired it, building it up again for another fall. There had been no one else, for either of them, Des knew if the feelings he had for Sheelagh didn't go away, there never would be. She made him something that he'd never been before, he'd always been 'a man' by womanising, that was basically it. Now, the thing that made him a man was the woman that made him whole, the woman he loved.  
  
She walked home after work, a long, lonely journey, the same one she took everyday, with an occasional walk down by the river. She gazed out over the water, envying the freedom and carelessness of the animals that lived on it. The ducks, they could swim around all day and when they were sick of it, they could just fly away, they had no cares, no responsibilities, no worries. She sighed.  
  
Des walked by the river too, he just liked the way it was a world apart from work. It gave him space to think, mainly about Sheelagh, but also about the fire, it still haunted him, tormented him and left him believing that losing Sheelagh and his only daughter dying were punishment. But surely it was his punishment, why did Sheelagh have to suffer?  
  
He looked along the riverbank and saw Sheelagh sitting on a bench staring blankly forward. He walked up to her and sat down. She didn't move, her gaze was fixed firmly on a swan. Des looked at her, then he looked at the swan. Wild, beautiful, elegant and graceful, just like Sheelagh he thought to himself.  
  
Her hands lay clasped together on her lap, Des reached out and held them. She looked up at him. She was tempted to get defensive and snatch her hands away from him, but she couldn't. She couldn't find it in herself to fight, not this time. Des noticed, he'd prepared himself for her rejection, but something was different now.  
  
"Shee…" He said gently  
  
"Don't say anything Des, if you want to stay you can stay, but I'd prefer it if we didn't talk." She whispered  
  
"OK"   
  
They sat there in silence. A tear rolled down Sheelagh's pallid cheek, it didn't go unnoticed by Des. He gave her hands a final squeeze and let go. Her heart sank, she thought it was going to leave, she wouldn't ask him to stay, being weak was one thing, but admitting it was quite another, and she wasn't prepared to do it. More tears fell. Des had no intention of going anywhere, he was just freeing his hands up so he could hold her. He gingerly put his arms around her, she didn't resist, so he pulled her close and let her cry into his jumper. She sobbed helplessly, she'd vowed to herself that it was something she wouldn't do, but being strong was getting harder and harder. Des stroked her hair, clutching it and breathing in the sweet smell that he'd missed so much. Sheelagh felt a warm drip on her forehead, it ran down the side of her nose and joined into one with one of her tears. She looked up to see Des with tears in his eyes. She didn't know what to say, so she reached up and wiped a tear away.   
  
For all there was so much Des wanted to say, things he'd been forced to keep bottle up inside for months, he said nothing, this was a moment he'd been craving for months he wasn't going to risk it for anything. Whatever he wanted to say could wait. Sheelagh broke the silence that she'd enforced  
  
"Des, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" She cried  
  
"Hey, it doesn't matter" He whispered  
  
"It does, I've shown you no respect and no concern, all I've done is think about myself."  
  
"Sheelagh, it doesn't matter. If anyone should be sorry it's me."  
  
"Instead of ignoring you and telling you to leave me alone, we should have been sticking together, we've both lost our daughter, we're both feeling the pain, we should be supporting one another." She tried to explain  
  
Des just held her tighter. Talking about Niamh made his tears fall heavier. Sheelagh clung desperately to him, why had she pushed him away for so long when she wanted few things more than to have him there?  
  
The rain began to fall, one of those summer storms that follow the glorious weather. The kind that clear the air.  
  
The air between them was certainly clearer. They sat there in the rain, they were soaked to the skin, but they made no effort to move.   
  
After half an hour the rain stopped. They were still sat there. Sheelagh was the first to move. She released her grip on Des and looked into his eyes  
  
"Come on" She said gently  
  
"Where?" Des asked  
  
"Your place"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because we're freezing cold and soaking wet, and I think I need a cup of tea."  
  
Des smiled at her, he stood up and helped her to her feet. She stretched and began to shiver.  
  
They began to walk to Des's house. The streets were empty, no one in their right mind would be out when the weather was taking a turn like that. Sheelagh reached out and took Des's hand. He looked down at her, she was just concentrating on where she was going, she didn't look up at him. He squeezed her hand gently, she squeezed back. And they kept on walking. They arrived at Des's place, he opened the door for her and let her in.   
  
"You remember where everything is?" He asked  
  
Sheelagh nodded, and walked off to the bathroom for a shower. Fifteen minutes later she returned, wearing his dressing gown. He smiled  
  
"Always did look better on you" He said  
  
"Des…" She replied   
  
Sheelagh frowned slightly, Des wondered if he'd crossed the line. Then she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, she'd done nothing but surprise him that evening. He kissed her forehead.  
  
"I'm going to go and get a shower now" He said  
  
"OK, do you want your bathrobe back?"  
  
"No, it's ok. I have a spare one. You'll still be here when I get back won't you?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm not going anywhere."   
  
"Good." He smiled  
  
Sheelagh wandered into the kitchen and made a cup of tea, she looked in the fridge, the cupboards, the freezer, they were all bare. She went to the bathroom and poked her head round the door  
  
"Des I'm going to the shop, there's no food!"  
  
"OK"  
  
"I won't be long"  
  
"Good!" 


	2. No Regrets

Sheelagh smiled to herself. She didn't think she could have missed Des any more than she had, but now, being around him, she wondered how she'd managed. She was beginning to feel happy, it was a bit of an alien concept to her now after feeling down so long. She opened Des's bedroom door and walked in, she'd planned to find some clothes as hers were still soaked, a fleece and a pair of tracksuit bottoms would do, it was dark, no one would care that she looked like trainee cross-dresser. As she headed over to his closet, she looked at the bed. So many fond memories of their times in it, another smile crossed her lips and she went and lay down on it. She grabbed Des's pillow and buried her face in it and thought about all the times she'd been there before. She was still laid there thinking when Des returned from his shower, he hadn't expected her to still be there but was pleased to see she was. "Shee…?" Des asked, wondering if she was crying She peered up from the pillow and looked him "Are you ok?" He asked "Yeah I'm fine, why do you ask?" "Just thought you had your face in that pillow 'cos you were crying" "No I was just thinking" Des sat down beside her, he put one hand on her hip and pulled the pillow from her with the other. She wasn't crying but he wanted to be sure. He'd forgotten how she always seemed to look more beautiful in his bed, the thought made him smile. He lay down beside her and they looked at one another. Sheelagh stared into his eyes, she didn't know what she expected of him. Maybe that was it, maybe her expectations were too high, maybe she just needed to relax a bit, let things happen on their own, in their own time. They'd broken up because she couldn't have a relationship with him knowing he was a killer, it was against what she knew as a police officer and what she believed as a Christian. Now it seemed clearer to her, if going against what she believed in was what had split them up, how come she didn't tell anyone? Surely that made her guilty too? As she looked at Des, she knew in her heart that he wasn't a murderous monster, but could she live with him knowing what he'd done? The more she thought about it the more she realised Des had suffered enough, it wasn't fair to punish him for something he didn't really mean to do. He was a good man, a good copper, he'd certainly worked hard to try and make up for his mistakes, so that warranted credit. Des was laid there wondering what was going through Sheelagh's mind. He wondered if he should ask what their future together was, but he didn't want to upset her again, he'd rather be friends with her and never get to love her like he once did than have her at odds with him, he'd had enough of that to last him the rest of his life. Neither of them moved, they just lay there in silence. The moon appeared from behind the cloud that had been hiding it all night, it shone through the bedroom window, reflecting in Sheelagh's eyes and lighting up her face. "So…" Des said at last "Do you think we should move?" She asked "Only if you want to" She said nothing and shuffled across the bed to be closer to him, resting her head against his chest. He ran his hand round her face and brushed her hair behind her ear. As he lay there with her beside him, a song came into his head, and he smiled to himself… 'I don't know what to call it I don't know what it is I only know for certain I've never felt like this And, baby, it's the one thing I can believe There's nothing I fear in this life Long as I've got you by my side We're mighty as a hurricane, tougher than stone Stronger than anything I've ever known One look at us together anybody could see There ain't nothin' that can stand up to The power of you and me We're only good together, no good on our own Everything about you feels just like home Before you I don't remember how I got along You are the spark to my flame The only one that burns in your name So many souls searching for What we're holding right in our hands You're the woman that makes me a better man' As those words rolled round in his mind, he made up his mind what to do. 


	3. Eyes of Angels

He sat up, it startled Sheelagh slightly as she'd just begun to doze off.  
"Des?" She asked as she sat up and looked at him

He said nothing, he just ran his hand down her cheek, round the back of her neck and after a moments consideration he pulled her close and kissed her, a gentle lingering kiss that made her whole body tremble and her heart flutter, then he pulled back and looked at her.

Sheelagh was shocked to say the least, she wasn't sure why she hadn't expected it, she wasn't upset, she wasn't angry, that was good, but the problem was, she didn't know what she was feeling.  
Des too was confused, he'd done what his heart had told him was right but he couldn't help wondering if he'd upset Sheelagh, after all, she was just sat there looking anywhere but directly at him.  
Eventually Sheelagh climbed off the bed and walked out of the door.  
  
Des stayed where he was, his head was reeling, she'd kissed him back so why had she left like that? He was even more confused as Sheelagh was still wearing his bathrobe, surely she wasn't going to put her wet clothes back on.?  
  
Five minutes passed and Des still hadn't moved, he felt as though he was glued to the spot. The only chance he'd had to make things right between them and he messed up. He grabbed the pillow she'd been cuddling when he came back from his shower, he was sitting there looking at it when Sheelagh came through the door with two cups of tea.  
  
"What?" She asked "I…" "You thought I'd left, wearing either wet clothes, or a bathrobe?"  
  
He said nothing and just smiled, he couldn't believe she hadn't gone. He put out his hand to take the tea from her, but she put it on the bedside cabinet instead. She took his hand her in own and smiled down at him.  
  
Maybe it was time she thought, to let go of her reservations about them as a couple. They had their differences, they always would have, but she had no doubts about how much she loved him and she knew how much he loved her. The doubts she'd once had about Des's capability of being faithful to her had gone. His womanising and dirty comments had ceased months ago and he seemed thoroughly devoted to her.  
  
"What are you thinking?" Des asked "Hmm? Oh…Sorry, just stuff" "What kind of stuff?"  
  
She let go of his hand and sat down, resting her back against the headboard of the bed, she picked up her tea and drank some. Des began to think she was avoiding the question but he wasn't going to ask again. He moved up until he was sat beside her and put his hand on her knee.  
  
"I was thinking about us" She said quietly "And what about us were you thinking?" He enquired  
  
She put her drink down and took his hand from her leg and kissed it.  
  
"I was thinking, that …" She began "I love you" He said before she had chance to finish "Exactly"  
  
Des was surprised she's admitted to it, he didn't think she would. They finished their drinks in silence.  
  
Sheelagh sat there gathering her thoughts, she surprised herself being so forward with Des about how she felt. It was getting near 1am, she couldn't understand where the evening had gone, but she knew she should probably be getting home. She knew they'd built a lot of bridges that night but not enough for her to want to take it any further, not right now.  
  
"I'd better go" She sighed "Why?" "It's very late and I'm not ready to…well…" "I know it's late, but neither of us are working tomorrow and as for…that…I don't think I want to just yet either"  
  
Des really had changed, she remembered a time when she just had to look at him and he wanted to get in her pants. She felt her heart begin to beat faster and her eyes start to well up and before she knew what was happening she found herself crying.  
  
Des looked at her, he wondered if he'd upset her by saying he wasn't interested in sex, maybe she'd thought he didn't fancy her. 'Women' He thought 'No pleasing them'  
  
He put his arms around her  
  
"Did I say something wrong?" He asked "No, I just didn't expect you to say something like that" "I want us to try again" "It's all or nothing Des, I'm not going to be messed about, I can't take anymore hurt, I've had enough of it to last me for eternity" "I want it all, I want to give it all to you and ask for not wanting to…tonight…I…"  
  
He stood up and walked over to his chest of drawers, Sheelagh looked over, she hadn't noticed before, but on top of them, stood two photo frames. Fresh tears began to fall as she saw a picture of her and in the other, a picture of Niamh in her arms. Des opened a drawer and took something out, he walked back over to her and sat on the edge of the bed.  
  
"I just noticed your pictures" She whimpered "It's so you're the last thing I see before I fall asleep, if I don't wake up in the morning one of my angels was the last thing I saw and the other one's waiting to meet me when I wake up where she is."  
  
Tears streamed down her face, she couldn't believe Des thought things like that, she felt even worse about being so harsh with him. She gave him a gentle smile and curiosity took over  
  
"What did you just get out of that drawer" "When you left Patrick, and Niamh was on the way I wanted to ask you something, but I couldn't do it while I was keeping a secret from you. After I'd told you about the fire I went out and bought this. Sheelagh, when you ended our relationship, I wasn't expecting it."  
  
He held out a clenched fist, she turned it over and lifted his fingers, in his palm lay a diamond ring. Sheelagh gasped, she didn't know what she'd been expecting, but it wasn't that. She felt awful, she couldn't believe that as Des had been wanting to give his life to her and she just pushed him out of hers.  
  
"I didn't want to do anything tonight, because if you'll say yes, we've got forever to do that, or anything else you want" "Des…"  
  
He turned his face from hers, the tone of her voice implied it was a no. He'd waited all this time and she wasn't going to say yes. He wasn't going to let her see him cry, not over this.  
  
He felt her fingers brush his palm, he looked round to see her picking up the ring and put it on her finger. Their eyes met and she smiled,  
  
"The answers yes, Des, it was always a yes but I was too blind to see it." "You're serious?" "I wouldn't say it if I wasn't"  
  
He pulled her close, kissed her and then she smiled, got up and went to his closet as she'd planned to hours ago, pulled out a T-shirt, put it on and climbed into bed.  
  
Des smiled, if he'd had any doubts the first time he planned on asking her, he certainly didn't now. He got into bed beside her, she lay on her side next to him with her arm over his chest and her head on his shoulder and they looked up at Niamh's picture together.  
  
Sheelagh reached up to the light cord,  
  
"Night baby" She whispered  
  
Des knew she wasn't talking to him.  
  
She turned the light off.  
  
"Don't let go of me Des" She said as she snuggled closer

"I'll never let go, I promise"

Just wanted to say a quick thankyou for the reviews, but I've realised this writing thing isn't for me, so this is my first & last story. Thanks for reading, the soppy ending I apologise for, I'm a romantic and I wanted a happy ending!


End file.
